Day 0: Bittersweet Goodbye

I have left Google after 1,500 days there. I worked on some amazing things with super awesome people. I honestly loved collaborating with my co-workers - they were the best! I felt naked after turning in my badge and laptop, but literally lighter. I guess I didn't realize how attached I was to those two things. I will probably be sitting less with technology for now while I shop for a laptop and maybe camera to record my future adventures.

B-Day's Got Me Thinkin'

So I'll be firmly in my mid-20's this week, no going back to the carefree teen years. But the inevitable birthday has got me thinking how blessed I am at this point. I have such a wonderful support system w/ my s.o., best friend moving here, etc. I'm grateful, but I'm also thinking, what am I doing w/ my life and what's holding me back from living to the fullest?

One of my college alumnae held a workshop on life planning. It was fantastic. But there was one thing she said that struck a chord with me. "If you're not enjoying yourself, get the hell out of there". Strong but wise words from a spunky woman in her 40's.

So what do I want this birthday? ? ?

A career change - have to work for that myself

pretty, but more importantly, artistic and interesting vases:
http://www.nytimes.com/slideshow/2008/07/18/fashion/0720-REGISTRY_4.html
http://www.nytimes.com/slideshow/2008/07/18/fashion/0720-REGISTRY_6.html

Something from the Buccellati Classica collection or museum quality pieces (price, I don't know, thousands upon thousands?)

Trip To A Country I Haven't Touched (mom? no, jk!)

Ok, ok, so I may not get anything on this list except that first thing, but maybe one day I'll get some art pieces. :( I guess it's good to somewhat dream.

Other than that, not really anything I want or need. Yay?

Life's a Trot

I sometimes have these fathomless feelings of utter depression and despair. But these days, I'm feeling it more than usual. maybe it's all the depressing visual news (photos of the Zimbabwe elections, toxic chemicals in Bhopal, etc), the lack of exercise (thank you Rn for some gold advice, even though I might not show it, I always appreciate your thoughtfulness) and the environment I spend hours in?

There are so many happy things too of course. Personal relationships are strong, my best friend's moving to the area, I have steady income, I have a pretty healthy body, and the weather's so beautiful. I'm never hungry and never thirsty. Just gotta define what would make me happier and go for it.

Random sighs

No material-based therapy has ever worked for me. Next time I try, I need to stop myself because it won't help. Sigh. Stop me from buying stuff for the sake of buying. 

Only friends and prayer work.

During Hard Times, It's All In the Art, Baby

My obsession these days:

http://finance.google.com/finance?chdnp=1&chdd=1&chds=1&chdv=1&chvs=maximized&chdeh=0&chdet=1210881600000&chddm=1173&q=NYSE:BID&

Living Among Sinners & Being Proactive

We all have done things we're not proud of, so it would be hypocrisy to look down on others who also sin.

It's easier to condemn those we do not know than it is those we are close to.

Interacting with criminals and murderers is a part of everyday life for some who service these people. They are not monsters, they are people. Granted they have a monstrous side to them, but couldn't we all have that capability if misguided or chemically imbalanced. Not to say that I condone unethical actions, but life can sometimes throw things your way when you're not looking. Everyone has his or her own cross to bear. Some may look little and others may look big. But you will never get more than you can handle. Some get hit, others catch on and have developed the reflexes to duck.

In order to develop those reflexes, you have to also be proactive. You need to build your skill set and your ability to cope with life. So view every negative thing as a hurdle to overcome. You'll become stronger once you get to the other side. There are no easy obstacles. There never are and there never will be.

"Lord, help me to remember that nothing is going to happen to me today that you and I together can't handle."

April Showers

During most any month, I absolutely love the smell and feel of rain. It's nature's way of cleaning out the clouds and providing necessary H2O to plants and animals. In literature, water can purify such as in the case of the deluge in Noah's Ark. Rain forecasts abundant crops, new life and wealth.

For some of us, however, April can be an absolutely dark month with all its showers. The heavens weep and we cry puddles of tears. These tears are shed in remembrance or as a result of unfortunate April events. After crying, we usually feel much better because we've released all the pent up feelings we've accumulated. What happens, though, when a complete purgation of tears becomes impossible? The world loses color, food loses zest, flowers lose their fragrance. In fact, we are depressed.

In such a case does a friend help that person find joy again, save them from death and disappear, let them struggle with themselves alone assuming that they'll be fine, or let them alone because they're independent and can take care of themselves?

I am not comfortable with any of these solutions as stand-alones, but there are certain elements that must be tenaciously held onto; some detachment but ultimately compassion for the Other.

The heavens do not cry anymore,
only I, Alone, do so.
No matter how I tear at the heart,
The invisible cuts supercede physical cuts
that only sting.

I want to mourn as the Bedouins do.
I have worn a hajib to enter a place
most sacred, but that which I cannot like,
only fully love.
I want to love and be loved,
be cacooned in a sea of love that has no end,
else I will fall and shatter into a puddle
that will swallow me and evaporate.